Thoughts on International Women's Day

Carnations for women on International Women's Day

It's International Women's Day and the first thing that comes to mind for me is when I was in Beijing in 2008 and was working in state media.

When it was noon that day, carnations were handed out to the females in the office, and we were told we could leave the office and have a half day off.

What?

It was kind of bizarre, and I said it was OK, I would rather stay, but was told no, it was an order to leave.

I can't remember what I did, but I was disappointed I was not told ahead of time!

A book to consider reading

On the other hand I'm thinking about the concept of "daughtering", where women in the family are expected to manage family dynamics, to organising gatherings to scheduling parents' medical appointments. It's a task that has no monetary value, but is assumed that the daughters will take on this role wholeheartedly.

"Daughtering" was coined by Dr Allison Alford, a clinical associate professor at the Baylor University Hankamer School of Business. She recently wrote a book called Good Daughtering: The Work You've Always Done, the Credit You've Never Gotten, and How to Finally Feel Enough.

She's done a lot of research into this topic, interviewing a lot of women, from the oldest sisters to the youngest, though it is the oldest who is the family anchor, and the other female siblings assist. However when the men decide to pitch in and organise a family event, everyone is in a twitter about how he's made such a lovely contribution. Sound familiar?

Alford says it's important to recognise this "daughtering" concept and that it is not just you doing all the work -- others are too. That said, she believes it is important to show others what you are doing, and that your efforts deserve to be valued.

Along the same vein is my last thought on International Women's Day is America Ferrera's monologue as Gloria in Barbie. It may be given by a fictional character but it resonates:

It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.

Gloria's monologue in Barbie

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but you also have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behaviour, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for me, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.

But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.